The Excellent Adventures of Kim and Kev

Sunday, August 16, 2009

A Country Bumpkin's Traveling Woes...

Ok. Here is the sitch. I wasn't planning on posting until I returned from my trip. My trip to New York City. (I'm leaving first thing tomorrow morning. In case you were wondering.)
But due to Kev's diligence and focus on getting me packed and prepped..... I'm done and ready to go. Mostly.

You see, this was a tough trip to get ready for. And I blame it all on my parents......

Because this is how they were dressed when my boss met them for dinner last week. And it is not like we were eating at Bojangles. We were at a "high society" place that I won't mention due to the embarrassment of the city I live in.

However, "high society" in the town that I live in is a hot dog vending machine at the local Quik Mart. It is the latest invention to reach our parts... and requires lip gloss and heels be put on before pushing the button that decides what flavor of hot dog you want to eat that day.

Even for guys. It is just that fancy.

So, my boss was extremely concerned over my ability to "wash the bumpkin" out of me and act professional enough to mingle with the "top fashion authorities" in The City.

This resulted in a 1 1/2 hour conference call ( they asked other people to get on so it wouldn't look like they were singling me out) that covered all the do's and don'ts of eating, speaking, dressing, and walking during my stay.

Then I was asked to write the following statements 100 times each...

1. I will keep my mustache trimmed.
2. I will not fart in public.
3. I will only eat chicken wings behind closed doors with a paper bag over my head.
4. I will claim that I have laryngitis if asked a question.
5. I will shower daily.

Bless my heart! I am being asked for more than I can give. I decided I would only be able to focus on one of the statements. And the statement that I chose will be a secret between me and the person sitting next to me.

Whoever that is. ( Sorry in advance!)

So, since I struggle with rules and direction.... packing and prepping for this trip has been excruciating. But thanks to my friends - Melissa, Lauren, and Bridget - and my wonderful husband - my carry-on bag is PERFECTLY packed with no item missed. My "trendy" outfits are planned down to the last detail. I'm waxed, and coiffed, and pedicured, and squeaky clean.

And now it is up to me to "wow", and "impress", and walk with great posture in 4 inch heels, tight fitting jeans, and more jewelry than Mr. T.... while smiling, not letting my hair frizz, and not falling.
And it is up to me to eat with the right fork, keep the food out of my massive two front teeth, burp in to my purse so that no one can hear, and wear maxi pads under my arms to prevent pit stains.
And I should probably keep the fact that I live in South Carolina a secret. I wouldn't want to draw any negative attention to this state. Or maybe I should say "any MORE negative attention".

At this point, I will be happy if my underwear stays put.

And I will be sure to let you know if it doesn't.

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